Sunday, April 10th

My cry rate is coming down. I find myself telling the tears to stay back, because it's quite difficult to conduct daily life while crying. I've got to do it. The mac and cheese has to get made for dinner.

I'd like to talk about our first dates again.

At the end of the very first date you looked at me, eyes really looking into me, body swaying in toward mine, gentle smile, and you kissed me, lingering. See what you do to me, you said. And you to me, I say. Over five years later and I still see you doing it.

You texted the next day. You'd enjoyed yourself. You looked forward to seeing me again. You texted again. You sent pictures of your kids. You called when you were near my house. I didn't quite know what to do with you. I liked you. I liked the texts. I liked the photos. On the second or third date your car broke down and I pulled up to the car lot as you were buying a replacement. He's a keeper, the car salesman said, nodding over at you. You looked at me with such blatant affection that I felt myself turn shy. How to answer this, I thought. Stand beside this man as he buys a car and be....what...to him.....I smiled back at you. I felt myself a good person, smiling back.

I've tried to remember how we became a committed couple. It's not all that clear in my mind. It seemed to happen, obviously, with speed and such sense. One day I was leaving you to meet someone I'd dated before. For coffee, as friends have coffee. I described this to you, and while you were lacing up your boots I somehow told you that I didn't want to date this man anymore, I wanted to date you. No pressure. I felt none. It was simply true. You sat up from your boots and looked me keenly in the eye. It was a moment.

There was another moment a few weeks further into knowing you. Over Thanksgiving....you were with your family in Ohio. You texted me. You told me you were proud to be with me. You said it made you feel good inside. I knew you were starting to love.

It's 11:01. I have approximately 35 years or more to live in this life without you.